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דבר חופשי : דיבורים על הא ודא

בדיחות באנגלית.

A few days after Christmas, a mother was working in the kitchen listening to her young son playing with his ...
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קישור חוזר הגדרות אשכול אפשרויות הצגת נושא
ישן 08-05-08, 20:57   #1 (קישור ישיר)
IO Pro
 
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תאריך הצטרפות: Mar 2008
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ברירת מחדל בדיחות באנגלית.

A few days after Christmas, a mother was working in the kitchen listening to her young son playing with his new electric train in the living room. She heard the train stop and her son said, "All of you sons of bitches who want off, get the hell off now, cause this is the last stop! And all of you sons of bitches who are getting on, get your asses in the train, cause we're going down the tracks."

The mother went nuts and told her son, "We don't use that kind of language in this house. Now I want you to go to your room and you are to stay there for TWO HOURS. When you come out, you may play with your train, but I want you to use nice language."

Two hours later, the son comes out of the bedroom and resumes playing with his train. Soon the train stopped and the mother heard her son say, "All passengers who are disembarking from the train, please remember to take all of your belongings with you. We thank you for riding with us today and hope your trip was a pleasant one. We hope you will ride with us again soon." She hears the little boy continue, "For those of you just boarding, we ask you to stow all of your hand luggage under your seat. Remember, there is no smoking on the train. We hope you will have a pleasant and relaxing journey with us today."

As the mother began to smile, the child added, "For those of you who are pissed off about the TWO HOUR delay, please see the bitch in the kitchen."

------------------------------

A white guy is walking along a beach when he comes across a lamp partially buried in the sand. He picks up the lamp and gives it a rub. Two blonde genies appear, and they tell him he has been granted three wishes.

The guy makes his three wishes and the blonde genies
disappear.

The next thing the guy knows, he's in a bedroom, in a mansion
surrounded by 50 beautiful women. He makes love to all of them and begins to explore the house.

Suddenly he feels something soft under his feet, he looksdown
and the floor is amass with $100 bills.
Then, there's a knock at the door. He answers it and standing
are two persons dressed in Ku Klux Klan outfits.

They drag him outside to the nearest tree, throw a rope over a
limb and hang him by the neck until he's dead.

As the Klansmen are walking away, they remove their hoods;
it's the two blonde genies.

One blonde genie says to the other one, 'I can understand the
first wish having all these beautiful women in a big mansion to
make love to.
I can also understand him wanting to be a millionaire...but why
he wanted to be hung like a black man is beyond me!'

-----------------------

It doesn't hurt to take a hard look at yourself from time to time, and
this should help get you started.
During a visit to the mental asylum, a visitor asked the Director what
the criteria was which defined whether not a patient should be
institutionalized. "Well," said the Director, "we fill up a bathtub,
then we offer a teaspoon, a teacup and a bucket to the patient and ask
him or her to empty the bathtub."
"Oh, I understand," said the visitor. "A normal person would use the
bucket because it's bigger than the spoon or the teacup."
"No." said the Director, "A normal person would pull the plug. Do you
want a bed near the window?"
DID YOU PASS, OR DO YOU WANT THE BED NEXT TO MINE?

-----------------------

A stunning senior moment

A self-important college freshman attending a
recent football game took it upon himself to explain
to a senior citizen sitting next to him why it was impossible for the
older generation to understand his generation.


'You grew up in a different world, actually an
almost primitive one,' the student said; loud enough
for many of those nearby to hear. 'The young people
of today grew up with television, jet planes, space
travel, and man walking on the moon. Our space
probes have visited Mars. We have nuclear energy,
ships and electric and hydrogen cars, cell phones,
computers with light-speed processing...and more.'

After a brief silence, the senior citizen
responded as follows: 'You're right, son. We didn't
have those things when we were young; so we invented
them. Now, you arrogant little shit, what are you
doing for the next generation?'

The applause was amazing.......

-------------------------

This is a story about a couple who had been happily married for years.

The only friction in their marriage was the husband's habit of farting loudly every morning when he awoke.

The noise would wake his wife and the smell would make her eyes water and make her gasp for air. Every morning she would plead with him to stop ripping them off because it was making her sick.

He told her he could not stop it and that it was perfectly natural.

She told him to see a doctor; she was concerned that one day he would blow his guts out.

The years went by and he continued to rip them out!

Then one Thanksgiving morning as she was preparing the turkey and her husband was upstairs sound asleep, she looked at the bowl where she had put the turkey innards and neck, gizzard, liver and all the spare parts and a malicious thought came to her.

She took the bowl and went upstairs where her husband was sound asleep and, gently pulling back the bed covers, she pulled back the elastic waistband of his underpants and emptied the bowl of turkey guts into his shorts.

Some time later she heard her husband waken with his usual trumpeting which was followed by a blood curdling scream and the sound of frantic footsteps as he ran into the bathroom.

The wife could hardly control herself as she rolled on the floor laughing, tears in her eyes! After years of unwanted_term, she reckoned she had got him back pretty good.

About twenty minutes later, her husband came downstairs in his bloodstained underpants with a look of horror on his face.

She bit her lip as she asked him what was the matter.

All these years you have warned me and I didn't listen to you.

What do you mean?" asked his wife.

Well, you always told me that one day I would end up farting my guts out, and today it finally happened.

But by the grace of God, some Vaseline and two fingers, I think I got most of them back in.

--------------------------

A distinguished young woman on a flight from Switzerland asked the Priest beside her, "Father, may I ask a favor?"
"Of course. What may I do for you?"
"Well, I bought an expensive woman's electronic hair dryer for my mother's birthday. The dryer is unopened and well over the Customs limits; and I'm afraid they'll confiscate it. Is there any way you could carry it through Customs for me?
Under your robes perhaps?"

"I would love to help you, dear, but I must warn you:
I will not lie."

"With your honest face, Father, no one will question you."
When they reached the Customs area, she let the priest go ahead of her.
The official asked: "Father, do you have anything to declare?"

"From the top of my head down to my waist, I have nothing to declare."

The official thought this answer strange, so asked, "And what do you have to declare from your waist to the floor?"

"I have a marvelous instrument designed to be used on a woman, but which is, to date, unused."
Roaring with laughter, the official said, "Go ahead, Father."

-----------------------------

He didn't like the casserole
And he didn't like my cake.
He said my biscuits were too hard...
Not like his mother used to make.
I didn't perk the coffee right
He didn't like the stew,
I didn't mend his socks
The way his mother used to do.
I pondered for an answer
I was looking for a clue.
Then I turned around and smacked the shit out of him...
Like his mother used to do

---------------------

How To Impress a Women

Complement her
Respect her,
Honor her,
Cuddle her,
Kiss her,
Caress her,
Love her,
Stroke her,
Tease her,
Comfort her,
Protect her,
Hug her,
Hold her,
Spend money on her,
Buy things for her,
Listen to her,
Care for her,
Stand up for her,
Support her,
Go to the ends of the earth for her,


How to impress a man

Show up naked,
Bring food and beer.

-----------------------

There is a new study out about women and how they feel about their ass.
The results were pretty interesting:
85% of women think their ass is too big...
10% of women think their ass is too little...
The other 5% say that they don't care --
they love him and would have married him anyway.

----------------------

I bought a new Focus and returned to the dealer the next day because I couldn't get the radio to work.

The salesman explained that the Focus has Sync and the radio was voice activated.

"Nelson," the salesman said to the radio.

The Radio replied, "Ricky or Willie?"

"Willie!" he continued and "On The Road Again" came from the speakers.

Then he said, "Ray Charles!", and in an instant "Georgia On My Mind" replaced Willie Nelson.

I drove away happy, and for the next few days, every time I'd say, Beethoven," I'd get beautiful classical music, and if I said, "Beatles," I'd get one of their awesome songs.

Yesterday, a couple ran a red light and nearly creamed my new car, but I swerved in time to avoid them.

I yelled, "Ass Holes!"

Immediately the French National Anthem began to play, sung by Jane Fonda and Barbara Streisand, backed up by Michael Moore and The Dixie Chicks and John Kerry on guitar, Al Gore on drums, Dan Rather on harmonica, Nancy Pelosi on tambourine, Harry Reid on spoons, Bill Clinton on sax and Ted Kennedy on scotch.

Damn, I LOVE this car.

-----------------------

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